I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Irish I had better jokes.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Let's cross the international dateline together.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
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