When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
You make me want to Twist and Shout
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Composers always score.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
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