What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.

“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher

“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown

The direction fields of my heart all point to you.

No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!

How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.

How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.

Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.

Will you go penguin sledding with me?

Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.

"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen

“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown

Baby, you're a firework.

Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.

What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!

A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"

The mothership has returned and I must leave.

“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous

Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!

Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.

What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.

Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.

Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.

What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.

Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.

“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution

How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.

I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis

[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.

What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!

The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.

Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.

What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!

How do trains eat?
They chew chew.

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.

My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!