Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.

The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.

“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous

How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.

The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?

What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!

Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.

What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.

Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!

Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.

How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.

I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.

Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.

I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!

Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.

Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.

Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.

You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!

Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.

My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!

Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.

Everybody romaine calm.

What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.

What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.

In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"

What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.

I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.

You know what they say... Big Feet.

What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.

The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.

SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.

Don’t be elfish.

The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.

Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.

What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!