I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.

Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.

Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.

Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.

If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?

What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.

The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.

What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)

What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.

Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.

Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.

What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.

My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.

Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.

Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.

“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams

I can get you off the Naughty List.

What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.

What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.

What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.

What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.

Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy

“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody

How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.

What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.

Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.

My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Can I be Candide with you?

Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.

Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.

"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."

"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"

Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice

“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay

What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.

What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.

I sulfur when you argon.