How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
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