Ants in your plants.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
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