"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
You’re my lucky charm.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
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