What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
More candles means a bigger wish!
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
How rude-olf of you.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
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