I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
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