How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
You snow the drill.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
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