So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
You’re more special than relativity.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Go to BabaMail
