Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
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