"Alcohol you later."
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
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