I dreamt about you. You died.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
I love you so fairy much.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
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