Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
We’ll have a ball.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
That crazy little sun of a beach.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
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