A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Water you doing, my friend?
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
Go to BabaMail
