Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
I beacha miss summer already!
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
I find my core strength in you.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
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