I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
I'd start a revolution for your number.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Go to BabaMail
