She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
I can heartly wait to see you.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
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