“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Your presents is requested.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
How was Heaven when you left it?
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
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