I like long runs on the beach.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
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