Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
It takes one to snow one.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
"Adulting makes me wine."
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
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