Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
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