Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
You’re my lucky charm.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
Fishing you a happy day.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
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