Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
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