I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
I’m fondue you.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
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