What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
You are my butter-half!
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
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