My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
You can stand under my umbrella.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
I think you’re dandelion.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
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