I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
She has high elf-esteem.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
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