Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.

Can I be your next varietal?

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.

Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."

"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.

What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.

How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.

How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."

Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!

May the mass times acceleration be with you.

What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios

What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.

Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks

Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.

How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!

A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.

Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other

Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.

I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.

What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!

What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!

"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams

"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!

They aren’t gnome for their humor.

“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill

The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.

Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.

Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.