Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…

"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."

If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?

I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure

What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!

In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner

Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.

I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.

How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!

Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !

What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.

I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.

I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.

What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous

Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏

What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”

There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.

While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.

What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.

A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.

What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?

The Mazda-lorian

What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.

What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes

"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers

I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.

German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"

German Dude: "German".

Airport Guy: "Occupation?"

German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.

A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"

What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic

"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt

Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.

I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.

Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.