What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Metaphors be with you.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
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