“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan

After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.

I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.

A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.

Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation

The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.

How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.

Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege

Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.

Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!

The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.

A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.

Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie

You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.

It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.

What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!

What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!

Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!

“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma

What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.

Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.

I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell

Dublin over in laughter.

"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong

What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.

Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.

Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.

"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton

Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.

What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.

What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.

What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia