What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
You have one compact set.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
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