Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
"Some bunny needs vodka."
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
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