"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
I think I glove you.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
"Be kind, re-wine."
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