First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.

Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!

I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!

What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."

Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.

Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!

I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C

An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.

Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.

I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.

How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.

Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.

Do you want to be disappointed tonight?

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld

Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday

“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown

What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.

What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."

Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.

Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!

Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!

“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett

Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.

I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.

Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons

Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser

Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.

What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.

What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”

Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing

What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.

Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.

The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.