What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

- Jim Gaffigan.

Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.

What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.

Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”

What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.

Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !

When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.

What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.

Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.

I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns

Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.

What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.

What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.

Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?

It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.

Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.

What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.

How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.

What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.

Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!

Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.

If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?

My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.

Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.

I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you

"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley

Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!

What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.

I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.

What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.

What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!

Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.

Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.

Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.