A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
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