Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
So how many cats do you have?
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
I could never Passover you.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Do you believe in love at first flight?
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
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