"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
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