What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Composers always score.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
You're the ruler of my heart.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
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