A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
Can I be your next varietal?
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
I only have ice for you.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
Knock knock.
Come in.
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