what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
"Yoda one for me."
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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