What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
You are spud-tacular.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
I like you a latte.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
I think, therefore I’m single.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
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