"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
"It's not me, it's you!"
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
You sleigh me.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
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