277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
Hello there, how do you brew?
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
You’re my soul Santa.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
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