Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
I cannoli have eyes for you.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
So … do you run here often?
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I wanna bob for your apples.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
I whale always love you.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
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