What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
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