What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
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