I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
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