What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
You can stand under my umbrella.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
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