I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.

He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.

You octopi my thoughts.

The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.

There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.

What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!

Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.

“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”

- Robert Brault.

What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.

"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown

What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.

I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."

What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.

I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.

Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!

What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.

I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.

My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.

I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.

I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.

Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.

Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.

Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.

Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child

What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.

How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate