I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
We were mermaid for each other.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
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