I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
Nice Ass-teroid.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
I have no shelf control.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
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