How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
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