What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
Go to BabaMail
