I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Every piece of you is sweet.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
Believe in your elf.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
You are pitcher perfect.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
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