I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
I cannoli be happy
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
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