It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
Can February March? No. But April May.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
You're so clover!
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
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