What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
I think you're barbe-cute.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
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