I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
You should see what I can do with ice.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
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