How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
It's ice to meet you.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Namastay here or come home with me?
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
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