I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Rebel without a Claus.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Here comes the sun of my life
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
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