Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
"I make pour decisions."
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
One should always practice what they peach.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
I have a bone to pixie with you.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
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