Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
"I wood never leaf you."
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
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