"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
"Happy eggster."
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Get clover it, babe.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
I bet you’re really flexible.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
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