I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
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